Summer.

We all love summer right? I don't think we've ever encountered someone who doesn't love summer. We are basically programed to love the light. Hm... weird that our instinct is to love the light, that doesn't sound like a given from the Lord at all. Today I was tanning, which probably doesn't surprise any of you. I know you know that I love tanning but, sometimes we have to consider why I'm so drawn to it. Well I wasn't always like this. (By the way my goal for this blog isn't to write about me specifically, it's blog for all of us together living our lives, but this topic is very special to me, and yes I'm getting to the point). The summer I turned 14, I grew up. And not only because I was entering high school but that summer changed me in ways I cannot explain without telling you stories of that summer. I really love telling stories, so if you don't like my stories bear with me please? He was the first person I ever whole-heartedly liked. He never did anything wrong, solely impacted my life in many ways. Looking back it's like he was the best friend I have ever had. Probably part of the reason I don't believe in best friends anymore, but there is also more to that. I hope you all meet someone in your life who really gets you. I imagine we all will, and maybe we will meet multiple people like that in our lifetimes, I really don't know. But what I do know is that all this time he understood who I was and what I thought. Part of it is that he sits and truly tries to understand those around him. And I do believe that we should all try to take the time and think about those around us. I even like to make up fake stories about them. But that's definitely a way he impacted my life, he taught me to be more observant. Through all the years I felt this heartbreak, I have come to realize what a blessing his presence in my life was. Even when I spilled my heart out to him last year and he didn't feel the same he continued to be kind. I have never shown anyone this, so I guess it's why I'm doing it now. Here's a bit of what he wrote to me, which in turn broke my heart in the best way possible. Okay breaking news I lied. I just tried to find the kind words, but he deleted the messages. Let's dissect this a bit shall we? And yes this is getting off topic but this is so interesting right? He deleted the message I wrote about all the hurt he caused me over the years, and the kind note he wrote about how I am too kind and how I'm going to change the world or  something silly like that, and he deleted my note about wanting to spend time with him despite it all. But here's where it gets weird he kept the last note I wrote to him. I just read it and realized why he kept it. I told him all that I saw in him, and all that others see in him. And if you've met him, you probably know what I mean. But what bothers me is that the kind words he wrote to me he deleted, what is this?!? That's just not fair. Either way I remember them. The funny thing is that six years later this situation still confuses me and has me on edge. Though I've finalllyyyyy, I mean finalllyy been able to get over the liking him stage. I'm still worried about him, and confused as to what did deleted all of that. But then kept the last part. I guess it gives me hope in some weird way, because at the end I told him I wanted to talk to him again when he was ready whether that was "today, tomorrow, three months from now or never". So maybe one day the person that I've found who understands me fully I can actually call friend. For the first time in my life. For now I pray for his well being, whatever is going on in his life wherever he is. Whether he's down the street ( that would actually piss me off if he was really down the street this whole year) or he is far away in a state called Arizona dare I say? I hope he's doing well.  I hope we all can find those besides our family and close friends that we continuously pray for everyday, I feel that it's so important to remember all of those that may not be in our lives currently. He's a wonderful person who hasn't seen it yet. And I think we all are. We just need to see the light we can bring to the world. My heart may always break when I think of him, while I'm in the sun or doing whatever. But I wouldn't trade it for the world knowing that someone got what I am trying to say before I say it. For now I leave you with some beautiful ldr. And when your heart breaks for whatever reason, remember the good that came from the situation not the bad. Good memories only.

Lana Del Rey- Goodbye Kiss (Cover)