I don't want to simplify all that I am to this sentence. Yet here I am realizing that I'm number 8. This all came about tonight while I watched "People Like Us" with my family. It was a good movie, not a great movie and certainly not my favorite. But I liked it either way. There was one point in the movie where the boy and Sam are at the record store. The boy asks Sam whether he has reached step 8 yet. And Sam asks what step 8 is, and the boy explains that you have to make a list of all those you've screwed over and say you're sorry. I swear to you at that point I stopped breathing. The exact moment in time when I realized I was someone's number eight. All of a sudden I wanted to scream and run upstairs. It's not that I hadn't realized before that I was on someone's list where they had to confront me and make amends for their screw ups. And I have been frustrated with this reality since that encounter. But nothing has ever made me feel so insignificant. I know you don't understand so I will do my best to explain. I don't feel like getting into details because I believe this isn't about me, but so much more. But I want you to imagine you are in this position where someone comes to you and apologizes for all the horrible things they've put you through. Sounds nice doesn't it? But it isn't. Because everything you ever believed that they said was a lie. Your relationship was a lie. You were just a puzzle piece that they threw around while they were dealing with their issues. You are just a bystander to everything that ever occurred. And tell me you don't feel worthless. At this point you have to redefine yourself. And not in every way, not your beliefs or your morals. But how you define yourself. How you will deal in social situations, how you can deal with life day in and day out. As someone is getting their act together they have just torn yours apart. And you are supposed to be thankful they said sorry. I don't think you would understand because most likely this hasn't happened to you. It's not everyday you encounter others who've gone through a 12 step program. And even if you have, they probably didn't screw up your perception. But when they do, you feel lost. And I know this has happened to many others out there. And I'm sorry no one understands, believe me my sorrow for you is immeasurable. Because I sit here on Christmas Eve and realize I am just someone's number eight. I'm not more to them than a step they had to get past to begin a new life. And that sucks. So I'm going to take tonight and pray for those affected by those who've had additions. The things people have to deal with is horrible. And of course I'll pray for those who have those addictions because it isn't their fault. It's just another lesson learned.
I'm wishing you all a Merry Christmas, and hope that it can be filled with joy and the ones you love. And hopefully you will be able to reflect on your actions lately. And if there are amends to make, don't wait, and make them. If there are actions to take, don't wait, do them. With Love.
Taylor Swift- Begin Again
(Only because it is oh so fitting)
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